In 2010, I resolve to ...
(Resolutions we'd like to see)
... try to spend less on, well, just about everything.
- President Obama
... understand, and I mean really understand, like the way my darling wife likes to explain the word understand - and have I mentioned that she was a schoolteacher? - and so she knows about words, understand, that on the subject of talking, sometimes - often, perhaps often is a better way to put it - less can really be more. Or so I'm told.
- Vice President Joe Biden
... to say at least one nice thing about the Obama administration.
- Former vice president Dick Cheney
... to hold out for a Ben Nelson bridge or airport before my next health care vote.
- Sen. Ben Nelson, D-Neb.
... root out corruption. No, seriously. Really. Why are you all laughing?
- Afghan President Hamid Karzai
... use my 'inside' voice.
- Rep. Joe "You Lie!" Wilson, R-S.C.
... take a hike.- South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford ... locate stakes for a bigger tent.
- Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele
... leave Santa alone, because this year I got (just about) everything I asked for.
- Gen. Stanley McChrystal, U.S. commander in Afghanistan
... learn to say 'thank you.'
- Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki
... come up with at least one plan that doesn't require a degree from the London School of Economics to understand.
- Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner
... act as though there is no 'I' in Senate.
- Sen. Joe Lieberman, I-Conn.
... quit.
- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
... duck.
- Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi
... stop the layoffs.
- Employers
... hide a spare house key under the flowerpot.
- Professor Henry Louis Gates
... turn the other cheek.
- Police Sgt. James Crowley
... not rip off cigarettes from my fellow inmates.
- Convicted swindler Bernard Madoff
... come home to America. Bunk with Bernie.
- Director Roman Polanski
... keep doing 'God's work.' Wait, did I really say that's what we do here?
- Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein
... go hunting for Canadian geese and not do anything to sully my reputation because, Lord knows, America needs at least one unsullied hero.
- US Airways Capt. Chesley Sullenberger
... consult with Disney for a new 'Pirates of the Indian Ocean' attraction.
- Richard Phillips, ex-captain of the Maersk Alabama
... read a book, now that I've written one.
- Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin
... buy one dress with sleeves.
- First lady Michelle Obama
... make a list of 10 things not to do with female staffers.
- David Letterman
... use my time in prison to get myself grounded in reality. Real reality.
- "Balloon boy" father Richard Heene
... cede the cover of People to someone else.
- Jon and Kate Gosselin
... get my tubes tied.
- "Octomom" Nadya Suleman
... hide the camcorder from all future boyfriends.
- Former Miss California Carrie Prejean
... wait for an invitation.
- White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi
... umm, what haven't I done?
- Taylor Swift
... know when to stay off the stage and keep my trap shut.
- Kanye West
... treat the (bleeping) referees with a little more (bleeping) respect.
- Tennis star Serena Williams
... remember where to land the plane.
- Suspended Northwest Airlines pilots Richard Cole and Timothy Cheney
... keep on dreaming.
- British singing sensation Susan Boyle
... make a decision and stick to it.
- Vikings quarterback Brett Favre
... come up with a more plausible steroid story than that lame one I tried out in 2009.
- Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez
... take driver's ed and do all my 'scoring' on the golf course.
- Tiger Woods
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