At 4:45 a.m. on July 15, the hotel's lone front-desk associate was notified of an emergency situation at the swimming pool. Because the employee was properly trained not to leave the front-desk cash drawer area alone or vulnerable, he wisely and immediately called 911.

Upon arrival, the police found a man (we'll just call him "Bob") attached to the pool in a less-than-casual fashion. They turned off the swimming pool pump, but that wasn't quite enough to break up this. ... alliance. "We're going to need Fire Rescue," the police announced. And whatever hotel guests were not first awakened and distracted by the sounds of the police arrival now were rudely alerted to join the spectacle by the oncoming sirens. Poor Bob, flat against the pool's wall, now had a sizeable audience.

Heroically, a paramedic leaped into the pool to dislodge him. But even a moderate pull would not free him from the filtration pipe. It took a full hour of maneuvering and a liberal application of lubricant to free Bob from his delicate dilemma, at which time the gathered crowd of gawking guests probably broke into a hearty chorus of, "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, he is free at last!"

Paramedics rushed Bob to the local medical center. A hospital spokesperson announced Bob had been released after treatment for severely bruised genitalia. A few days later, after what I considered a "respectful" period of recovery, I obtained his number from information and called for an interview. The phone was disconnected. No doubt he had moved out of town. I probably would have done the same.

The phrase "pipe dream" originally referred to fantasies induced by smoking a pipe of opium. All Bob ever admitted to were a couple of beers that fateful night. That's when Bob's pipe dream became a nightmare.

Would any self-respecting judge allow Bob to get to trial? Not likely. No judge would invite notoriety as the one who mandated every hotel pool in America post the sign, "Danger--Don't Stick Your Penis in the Pipe." And, if for some reason any judge did allow this case, the hotel could defensively claim "assumption of the risk." The exercise of "reasonable care" does not extend as far yet in American jurisprudence as, well, perhaps as far as Bob's inappropriate extension.

Bob's big boy.

Early one morn in a hotel pool
Came a cry in the dark, "My tool! ... My tool!"
So the clerk used his head and called 911
Explaining, he said, "This job won't be fun.
But please come quick and bring some gel
This guy is stuck and he's beginning to swell."
So the medics were sent as to the battlefront
But came face to face with Mr. (rhymes with battlefront)
That's right, poor Bob, (no pun intended),
Stood near the pipe--his winkie extended.
And hoping to get, for free don't you know,
That special feeling, that special glow.
And the pipe that sucked the scum and goo
Fell in love with Bob and his winkie too.
And soon, when Bob was ready to leave,
He tugged his winkie from the sucking sleeve.
But lo and behold, the tube held tight
And wouldn't give up without a fight.
This is the sight the medics found
Poor Bob and his winkie (now beginning to drown).
So the captain of the medic crew
Stepped up and said, "I know what to do!"
He turned off the pipe and grabbed onto Bob
And pulled as though he liked this job.
But Bob was stuck and swelling too,
His winkie now was turning blue.
They tried the gel, but it didn't work
But after an hour, it came out with a jerk.
They threw Bob and his winkie onto a gurney
And drove off upon an emergency journey.
So ends the saga of the pipe, so cruel
Which can be called--

The Fool and His Tool!