A good article about this and good advice. My biggest worry has been, and is, the multitude of nuances that young people can't pick up on. This article explains my worry about "muddy waters" in it's description of non-verbal consent. I do like the part about acquiescence and the example is good, but it needs to be taught, imo. IOW, the whole discussion about sex and rape should be re-geared to include this new "yes means yes" paradigm.
Was That A Yes? What Consent Really Looks LikeWhen I was growing up, sex education consisted of learning dozens of creative ways to say no to sex. In one particularly memorable lesson, a singing dance troupe did a whole routine to New Kids On The Block’s "You Got It (The Right Stuff)." Predictably, they replaced the Oh Oh Ah Oh Oh refrain lyrics with a series of barely melodic Nos and Nays. Our all-girls class (I don’t know what they did with the boys that day) received the message loud and clear: sex is bad, but fear not, there are plenty of creative ways to rebuff boys’ inevitable advances.
The Just Say No message was further established in high school gym class. I attended a public school in a major urban centre, but our physical and health education classes were still sex-segregated, outdated and out of touch with our lived realities as urban teens in the 90s. Each year, we practiced saying no to sex through partnered role plays that included dated references to “going steady”, drive-ins and even soda shops.
When it comes to sex, however, No Means No simply doesn’t cut it. Not only is this message shrouded in sexist messages of a gender binary in which men pursue sex and women responsibly guard the gates, but it also erroneously suggests that the absence of protestation is tantamount to consent. Fortunately, California is changing this standard with the passing of a Yes Means Yes bill.
The bill, SB-967, which was passed last week, applies to college campuses and requires affirmative consent by all involved parties when engaging in sexual activities. This standard may be met through specific verbal communication and/or nonverbal cues and gestures.
While groups working in the field of sexual health, anti-violence and campus safety welcome the shift to affirmative consent, critics suggest that the new minimum standard could result in more sexual activity being classified as sexual assault -- which is exactly the point. If you have a problem with the requirement that your partner express (verbally or nonverbally) an explicit desire to engage in a sexual act with you, it’s time to reframe your concept of consent.
The fact that people are up in arms over the requirement that all parties agree to engaging in any sexual activity is exactly why the shift to a Yes Means Yes paradigm is so important. Saying yes to sex doesn’t have to be boring or clinical and the suggestion that soliciting or providing an enthusiastic expression of desire kills the mood is simply ludicrous.
I can think of hundreds of ways to express consent and enhance the sexual mood. From enthusiastic moans and sultry nods to dirty whispers and commanding hand gestures, the possibilities are endless. A partner might consent by pulling you closer, wrapping his/her legs around you, smiling and exhaling with pleasure, kissing you harder, tearing his clothes off or simply screaming, “I want you now!”. None of these actions is a universal sign of consent to any particular activity on its own and you always have a right to withdraw consent, but they are examples of how an enthused partner might act. If you notice that your partner starts to pull back, cover up, slow down or withdraw in any way, it’s likely that s/he isn’t comfortable with how things are progressing, so a check-in is in order.
What Consent Really Looks LIke
If you happen to be unsure of what enthusiastic consent looks like, a simple “Do you want to _______?” or “Would you like it if we _________?” can help you to better understand your partner’s desires. Other ways to secure consent involve telling him/her to nod if it feels good, ensuring that your partner is engaged (e.g. s/he’s kissing you back or grinding against you), making eye contact to check-in and making a conscious effort to gauge your lover’s level of pleasure and enthusiasm. In many cases, you don’t have to stop what you’re doing and have an entirely separate conversation about consent, but if you want to, there’s an app for that.
To be clear, “I don’t know.”, “Um…”, “Maybe.” and similar responses do not qualify as consent. And if you have to pressure someone into trying something, they’re also not offering enthusiastic consent. Take this example from Scarleteen:
“You're making dinner for someone, your favourite spaghetti sauce, which you’re intensely proud of. But as it turns out, they are allergic to tomatoes. You ask them if they’re sure, and they assure you they are. You suggest maybe it’s different with your sauce somehow. They say, again, that they’re pretty sure they’re still going to be allergic. But you worked all day on the sauce, feel like they at least owe you one spoonful to see how great it is, so you ladle it unto their plate anyway, and in time, your nagging gets to tiresome that they go ahead and take a spoonful, even knowing they’re likely to feel sick very shortly.”
This scenario clearly illustrates the difference between consent and acquiescence and the same principles should be applied to sexual interactions.
Enthusiastic consent not only ensures that all parties are protected, but it makes for hotter sex too. After all, what’s sexier? A lover who acquiesces to your advances or one who’s dripping with desire?
http://www.msn.com/en-ca/lifestyle/rela ... ar-AA6NhTt