I admit I was expecting to see a groin kick but then ...

GOAT = Greatet Of All Time.

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He studies hard, gets into a prestigious school and becomes a stock broker. He has an inherent gift for the work and wealth comes easily. Before long, he is living in the lap of luxury. Of course he remembers to do good work in his community as well, but try as he might, there is only so much he can change. He still feels like something is missing. Now a middle aged man, he decides to ask someone else about the meaning of life.


The next person he asks is a hedonist. "That's easy," he says. "Life is rich in all kinds of personal pleasures. Sample each one, indulge all your senses!" The middle aged man takes this advice to heart. Using his vast fortune, he is able to travel the world. He eats the rarest delicacies, makes love to the most beautiful women. He tries all manner of exotic substances in order to expand his mind. But soon enough, his fortune is gone, and despite the many unique experiences he has had, he still finds something missing.


Now an old man, he decides to ask one more time. The next person he meets is a preacher, who says, "that's easy. Dedicate the remainder of your life to communion with God." So the old man joins a church and repents his sins. His days are spent in prayer and meditation. However, he is bothered by the many differences in the religions of the world. The way they all claim to be right strikes him as arrogant and overbearing, and sure enough, he still feels like something is missing inside him.

One day he takes a long walk on the beach and spots a monk going through some sort of martial arts exercise. His kicks and punches flow like water and the expression of peace on his face is sublime. So once again, he gathers his courage and asks; "Excuse me, sir, do you know the meaning of life?"


"That's easy," says the monk. "You must first master and then let go of the self. On the highest mountain in Tibet there is a monastery. There you will find the wisest men on Earth, who have spent many decades devoted to this path. Go learn from them."


As always, the old man takes this advice to heart. He sells what's left of his things, buys some mountain climbing supplies, and ascends the mountain. He is exhausted but there is indeed a beautiful temple before him! When he walks through the door, there are masters in flowing robes sitting on the floor, each with a line of disciples before them. Each master is teaching a complex martial art technique meant not only to help combat a strong opponent, but to strengthen one's own body and mind.


The old man gets in the first line, but they are teaching a throw which would be too hard on his back.


The old man gets in the second line, but they are teaching a spinning kick. He lacks the dexterity for this.


The old man gets in the third line, but they are teaching a precise counterattack, and his reflexes have dulled with age.


Soon enough he realizes that he must start with the most basic training these sages can offer, so he tracks down a disciple that doesn't look particularly busy and says; "excuse me, sir? I came here looking for the meaning of life but I am terribly lost. I need an easy technique to get me started. Could you please help me find the punch line?"

You got me with #256.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the course language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them. She put the sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile she walked up to the group and asked, “Any of you man know Jesus Christ?”

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody out there know Jesus Christ?”

One of the steelworkers yelled back down, “ Why?”

The worker yelled back, “cause his mum’s here with his lunch.”

Galactic Federation interviews earth

Not exactly fun but didn't want to start a new thread for this on

American Airlines extends ban on alcohol sales to main cabin passengers until 2022
News of the extension emerged Thursday, the same day the FAA announced that proposed fines for unruly passengers this year had topped $1 million.

American Airlines passengers will have to wait a little longer before alcohol sales resume in the main cabin.

That is because the company has decided to extend its suspension of in-flight alcohol service until Jan. 18, 2022.

"We are doing all we can to help create a safe environment for our crew and customers onboard our aircraft," American said in an internal memo obtained Thursday by NBC News.

This is not the first time the carrier has pushed back the suspension's end date. Shortly after Southwest Airlines banned a passenger accused of attacking a flight attendant and knocking out two of her teeth, American announced it was extending the suspension of alcohol sales until Sept. 13.

News of the latest extension came on the same day the Federal Aviation Administration announced that proposed fines for unruly passengers this year had topped $1 million. Just weeks ago, the agency warned airports across the country to ...

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/am ... l-n1277165

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the Hill....."

Adam said, "What is a Hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On

The Other side of the Hill you will find a Cave."

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He Said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you To Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do That?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into The valley, Across the river, and

Over the hill, Into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is It Now?"

And Adam said.... "What's a Headache?!

The young couple are at the hospital to welcome their first child into the world and when the baby arrives, the new daddy asks, “how’s the baby”? The doctor replied, “well, you have a very healthy son. There’s just one defect. He has no eyelids”. “Is there anything that can be done?”, asks the father. The MD answered, “Well, yes there is. There’s a procedure where we can make eyelids for the baby by using skin from circumcisions”. “Go ahead and let’s do it” , the dad proclaims. The surgery was performed and turned out to be a success, except the kid is a little cockeyed.

A pirate with a paper towel on his head walked into a bar. The bartender “C’mon, what’s up?”

“Argh, they’ve put a Bounty on me head.”

Don’t laugh, 5 minutes later he left with the hottest chick in the joint. Bounty is the quicker picker upper.

Landlord: How are the new tenants above you?
Renter: They are ok. But they bang on the floor every night at 1 in the morning.
Landlord: I won't stand for that kind of behavior. I'll speak to them at once.
Renter: Don't bother. It's no big deal. I'm usually up at that time playing my drums.

Thought you were going to say "bagpipes"

He's a kinder, gentler Renter.

A Canadian is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??"

Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We dont. In the States, we only eat what is inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."

The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists: "Dya eat jelly with the bread??"

Canadian: "Of Course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We dont. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."

The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you ve used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Canadian: "We dont. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United?” exclaimed the hairdresser. ” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Taste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..

And the Taste hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”
“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?