A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up - mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican National Committee and is trying to get Trump re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction…
"£85 for an extraction, sir", the dentist replied.
"£85!!! Huv ye no got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge", said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off".
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees, and still without an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it'll be painful, but the price could drop to £40".
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, and 'ave one of yer students do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students, thought the dentist, and said: "I'll charge you £5, but it's going to be very traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for th' wife next Tuesday then?

Just in case you're getting bored while stuck at home

As an Aussie comedian once put it,
"I think I'm real. in fact I know I'm real, and if I'm not real why do I have to pay taxes?".

They're imaginary taxes

apparently that comic has not seen The Truman Show.

I'll try that come tax time.

Now there's a guy who knows how to put a positive spin on things.

From my Facebook feed

After the announcement, I am sorry but this Christmas there is no way that I am not seeing family and friends. You can do what you like, but I will be seeing them.

So, on Christmas Day, the following family will be at the table......

Auntie Stella & Uncle Jameson, with cousin Bailey, Malibu & Smirnoff, & the twins Gin & Tonic, Scottish cousins Johnny Walker and Glen Moray, & from across the pond, bringing some old fashioned southern comfort with them my old cousins, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam,

My French mate Remy Martin & his friend Pernod, my Spanish mate Jose Cuevro & his cousin Martini, & Bianco, & her daughter tequila my Greek friends Ouzo & Sambuca,

My friends Brandy, Fosters, Snowball & mickey slim,

My Neighbours Captain Morgan & the Grants, the Bells, & the Cointreau's, & the Henneseys,

MERRRY CHRISTMAS....

Had you going for a minute didn't I

Judo today

A drunk man smelling of booze and cigarettes sits next to a pastor on the train. He takes out a dirty newspaper from his pocket and starts reading. After a few minutes he turns to the pastor and asks, “Father, do you know what causes arthritis?”.

The priest replies, “Well my son, it is caused by consorting with cheap women, alcohol addiction, cigarettes, and not taking a bath"

“Well I'll be damned”, says the drunk, and continues reading his newspaper. After a little while the priest felt a bit bad, ‘cause he had been so harsh to the drunk, so he turns to him and says, “I'm sorry son, how long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk replies, “No I don't have arthritis, father… but I was reading here that the Pope has…"

A signed First Edition! And he only wants $4700! That's a good deal man! It'll go great with my autographed copy of Mary's viginity test.