“Shortly before the sun goes supernova in five billion years, science will have made a storage device small enough to put the entirety of human knowledge onto a platinum grain of rice which they will fire into deep space in the hope that new forms of sentient life can learn from our grievous mistakes as a species.

However we might evolve as a species between now and then, there is one champion being who will be remembered throughout the ages of man. You might be thinking of the likes of Plato, Aristotle or maybe Socrates if you have a classical education. A near-easter might consider Confucius or even Sun Tsu for their generous observations.

Europeans might choose Milton, Descartes or St. Thomas Aquinas.

The more feeble-brained Americans might select Jefferson, Madison, Roosevelt while the more educated would choose more wisely, Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse come to mind but as stellar examples of humans as all of those men are, all of them are wrong.

You must understand that if we wanted to help other sentient life to fully understand the history of Earth and the beings who inhabited it, it would really be pointless to mention the field of the best humans ever produced because alien worlds would have their own Aristotles and Newtons.

If we as a species wanted to serve the interest of intelligent life, telling them about the best of us seems rather pointless though they would be included in the history of mankind. What would seem more germane is to warn them of our failures we were as human beings.
Here we have a plethora of examples of the worst of us and you wouldn’t be wrong to be thinking of all the blood-lusting despots or clergyman that have populated history with endless examples of horror that would be fair warning to alien civilizations light years away.

I have many learned friends who span from Pulitzer-prize winners to New York Times best-selling authors to trauma surgeons and if I were to poll them to see who they thought was the most evil person to warn alien planets of, I am sure the consensus would reach a just conclusion in choosing Rupert Murdoch but they would still be wrong since most are uppity liberals with advanced educations who grew up on either coast and therefore less-educated about what evil really is.

As a native son of Kentucky, I am quite familiar with the physical incarnation of evil that these heathen-posers are only familiar with as an abstract. What I find endlessly amusing is that as you read that sentence, you quickly thought to yourself, “Oh my god which Kentuckian is he talking about?”

As a red-blooded bacon-loving-patriot, I have been in the throes of evil multitudes of times. My grandparents were evangelicals and one night my Pop took me down to Junction City to a Seventh-Day Adventist church to have a gander at some snake-handlers.

The pastor was a charismatic man who had a side-job as an auctioneer when he wasn’t serving the lord or drinking whiskey.

Interestingly enough, he gave an anecdote he heard about a wager between the Arch Angel Gabriel and Lucifer who apparently are prone to gambling on who might get through the Pearly Gates and them other gates.

I don’t recall the exact verbiage he used but they were betting between a Catholic and a Northern Baptist but at the end of the story, it came as no surprise that they both went to hell. Then out came the pit vipers and speaking gibberish. Sadly, the pit vipers struck out.

I have it on good authority that when Gabriel and Lucifer were making a wager on the final dispositions of both Rupert Murdoch and Mitch McConnell, Gabriel wryly smiled as Lucifer begged him to take both.

While Murdoch has easily done more to destroy western civilization, nobody has done more to destroy our Republic than that slack-jowled simian goon McConnell. I also have it on good authority that McConnell loves the moniker bestowed upon him by Nancy Pelosi as ‘the Grim Reaper.’

When reached for comment, the actual Grim Reaper scoffed, ‘two things scare me and both are from Kentucky, Rand Paul’s toupee and Mitch McConnell, that guy really scares me.’

I distinctly remember during the Big Tobacco hearings where all the CEOs swore under oath that they didn’t think nicotine was addicting, Mitch McConnell first blistered my brain with a wanton act of morbid stupidity that will gestate in the annals of political whoredom for millennia to come when he went on the senate floor and said, ‘there was no evidence that cigarettes caused cancer.’

It was a well-known fact that the when the CEO of Philip Morris heard that in his suite at the Brown Hotel in Louisville, he snorted two lines of cocaine off a hooker’s ass and quipped, ‘worth every cent.’

Kentucky’s number one cash crop is cannabis but legalizing means that the state of Kentucky would no longer get federal grants to keep black people in prison. Even though McConnell was wholly unaware of any harmful side-effects from cigarettes, he suddenly became an Encyclopedia Brittanica when it came to all of the horrors of marijuana use.

Many cannabis ‘survivors’ were apparently shocked that they had not thrown themselves from the Golden Gate Bridge from the PCP-like effects after injecting their marijuana bindles. Nor were they aware that the tails they had grown were a direct cause from the pot or that Mitch was trying to save them from from the life of carnies. St. Mitch the Carer!

Of course there are no actuarial figures as of yet that can calculate the number of times Mitch has dug up the rotting corpse of irony, reanimated it and murdered it in an even more grotesque manner than before. At this point I think to get his Koch cash, he’s going to have to slump over the barrel at their next retreat with Leonard Leo, dig up its corpse and fornicate with it in 4k to stave off the looming disaster in 2024.

I have met Mitch once in-person back in 1986 and I can tell you as a very devout atheist who has no belief in any supernatural beings, I do believe in the physical incarnation of evil and Mitch McConnell’s meat-suit covers it. After seeing him at the most recent C-PAC convention, he needs to see a very talented tailor because the head covering is turning into what anyone with eyes can see is a turtle with more chins than can be counted.

Science may very well discover the Lizard People Alex Jones has been sighting for decades now if the good Lord above ever grants a coroner the privilege of his autopsy. Mercy would grant us our most hallowed prayer but Mitch murdered that as well.

Mitch is perversely evil because he has no desire whatever to do anything to improve the life of any American and he never will. Clearly he heard of the infamous wager between Gabriel and Lucifer and thinks he can somehow buy his way through the Pearly Gates by voting for the infrastructure bill but that is yet another craven act of political whoredom that should merit strapping his corpse onto a Intercontinental Ballistic Missile and fired down the Laurentian Abyssal so his genetic sequence could never pollute any humanoid gene pool again.

The only person I can ever recall voting for McConnell my gluttonous uncle Glen who was quite serious when he told me that with the right kind of marijuana, I could play Stairway to Heaven backwards and summon the great Satan hisself. I always wished to know if uncle Glen ever had five functioning brain cells firing in unison but clearly they were more concerned with the amount of fried chicken he could get down his gullet and it was about five pounds per sitting if we’re honest.

Alien civilizations would do well to receive this critical knowledge about the Murdochs and McConnells of our world lest they perish from something as sinister as those two menaces to all that’s right and good.

It was Edmund Burke who said, “When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.”

Here we are in 2021 faced with a cowardly Grim Reaper and the forces of evil working in concert with that knee-crawling Russian thug to destroy what’s left of our Republic with the active complicity and treasonous stupidity of the Republican Party. This good earth has never known a more determined pestilence.”

If you like Thomas’s writing, join hud patreon if you can.

https://www.patreon.com/thomasclayjr