I know where he lives and where he works. He lives with his aunt and uncle and a cousin (pays rent). He also lived with another cousin who he's very close to. He's told that cousin all about me, and was prepared for us all to meet, but last month she had a huge fight with her boyfriend and she moved up north.

He is out to his cousins, but not to his aunts or uncles or his parents or brother. That's a whole issue unto itself. I've encourged him to be honest with them and tell them he's gay, but he says he just can't. He says they're "old school" and very religious and are not accepting at all of homosexuality. Anyway, it's his life and decision.

We both have friends who live in Las Vegas. We got together with my friend Friday for brunch. On Friday evening we were to meet his friend at a dance club. We walked there, only to find out that it had moved. So we walked to the new location. Took two hours to walk there! Both of our cell phones were dead so we couldn't call. When we finally got to the club, they allowed him to charge bhis cell phone. Finally he called his friend. His friend said he thought we weren't going to show, so he went home.

So, even though I haven't yet met anyone he knows, he has made the attempt to let me meet a couple of people. To be fair, he's only met my mom once, and my friend in Vegas.

To clarify: He didn't actually say the reason he won't add me on Facebook is because he thinks I'd be spying on him or stalking him. His exact words were: "You'd be acting jealous and asking me why I did this and why I did that. You need to trust me."

I just want to clarify the difference:

When you spy on someone or stalk them, there is an evil connotation that the person is doing something wrong. The person is following someone around because they don't trust them and want to see what they are up to.

His comment implies only that I would innocently read something on his page, and then become jealous over it and quiz him about it.

If I said earlier that he said I would be spying on him, let me take that back. He didn't say that I would be spying on him.

"You need to trust me."

Let me finish his sentence....

"Because I don't trust you."

His remarks and actions are classic passive-agressive behavior. You trying to rationalize or justify this is an indication that it's working. He has you doubting your gut instincts and thereby thinking that YOU are doing something "wrong" and he has "reasons". I've been there and done that. It's not a healthy relationship.

Chaos is spot on. Usually anyone accusing YOU of not trusting is suspicious, not trustworthy themselves and projecting.

JMO

So your feeling is, if he won't add me to Facebook, I should break up with him?

I won't advise you to do anything you don't want to do. I'm just saying what I think from what you've told us. Ultimately, it's your feelings and your decision.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but as I've indicated above, he's not out to a lot of people. While I'm a trustworthy person, he might feel he still doesn't quite know me well enough yet. He might be worried that I might "out" him. Especially if we broke up. He might be worried that if we broke up I might write to all his FB friends or "out" him to his family members.

Even Dee pointed out this happens: "She wouldn't friend him on FB and she found out all the women he had on his and wrote them hateful things."

While I think he should be out, and would encourage him to be out, it's still his decision. For better or for worse, at this point in time he's not out, and he probably fears people knowing about me right now. While 6 months might seem like a long time, how well can you know someone in just 6 months to totally trust them with everything, when they might "ruin" one's life?

I want to add that I'm thinking now that he's not going to be contacting me again, and I don't plan to contact him. It's time for me to move on...

As hard as it might be to find someone, but because there are so many more "out" today, I wouldn't date anyone not "out" especially to their family.

Sadly, I think those who haven't come out tend to live in a world of lies and deceit in order to maintain their facade and probably are paranoid. That does not bode well for any relationship.

Well, I just found out why he wouldn't add me to Facebook. He was seeing someone else at the same time. He just put "April 22, 2013" as their relationship anniversary date, and that was during the same time we were together.

F'ing assohole.

Do you feel better knowing that, SciFi? ~ you should be breathing a sigh of relief ~ this guy is a real piece of work ~ he cheated both ON and WITH you ~ ~ time to move on with your own life ~

Sooz

I just told an ex-student not to screw up her life with some raggedy man. I think that advice applies to you, too.

He was a game player from the get go.

I know who all of his Facebook friends are. Even before this came to light today I was tempted to write to them -- or at least to his closest friends and cousins -- to let them know how upset I was that I did so much for him (got him a dog, took care of it for two months, took him to Las Vegas, among other things), and he wouldn't even add me as his Facebook friend.

Everyone told me to not write to them. They said it wouldn't make me feel better, they probably wouldn't care, and he would never talk to me again should we ever want to become friends at some point in the future.

But now, I really do feel like writing to them. They are all clueless that I even exist. All everyone is doing today is posting congrats on his status. They think he is greatest thing since sliced bread. I really feel like writing to them all, telling them the whole story, and let them know the truth about him (not to mention letting them know that I exist). I see no reason why he should just get off scott free. Maybe he'll learn a good lesson that if you treat people badly, it comes back to haunt you.

He won't learn a lesson.

However, maybe you did. If it feels wrong, maybe something as seemingly innocent as not letting you be a facebook friend, it probably is wrong.

Don't write to his fb friends. They'll just think you're a bitter troll. Learn from this and stop looking at his page. Move on.

I suggest you think that over, SciFi ~ you're not going to change anything ~ there are shitty people out there ~ he is one ~ if you lower yourself to his level to "get even", you become one too ~ "living well is the best revenge" really is solid advice ~ move on with your life ~ find happiness and peace ~ most of all, FORGET HIM!

Sooz

I will echo "don't do it" It will add nothing good to your life. Let him go. He's bad news and you don't really want his friends to know you exist- remember they are HIS friends and will not see you in a positive light. Please trust us three wise women and heed our advice.

Okay.

And you've echoed what others have told me -- including two male friends and a female friend. Everyone has said to not write to them. So I'll heed that unanimous advice.

But it bothers me that people should be able to get away with doing bad things.

One thing I wanted to add is that he changed his status to "In a relationship" -- but he didn't say with whom. You know, you can link to the other person. People are asking him who the other person is, and he's responding with a vague "My love" etc., without giving a name.

This makes me suspect that, as with me, he won't allow that other person to be his Facebook friend.

Who knows SciFi....maybe someday, somewhere, you'll be in just the right spot at just the right time to let everyone know what a giant dickhead he is.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I agree! That's why I don't really quite understand why everyone is saying I shouldn't write to his close friends and cousins to let them know how bad he is behind their backs. I say, let them learn what a dickhead he is, and let him suffer in shame when everyone starts putting him on the hot seat.

Again, they are HIS friends and cousins, they are not going to take your word for it. LET THEM LEARN- they will figure it out themselves when he does to them what he did to you. In fact, he probably has treated some of them pretty badly and they've stuck by him, which they would continue to do even if you told them what happened to you.

Okay, okay.

I believe in karma -- what goes around, comes around. Someday he'll be treated by someone the way he treated me.