EXACTLY, SciFi ~ the whole "getting even" mindset might be hard to resist ~ but it never works out in your favor ~ learn from this and move on with your life ~

Sooz

So guess who called me Friday night! It was just one week shy of three months since we had our argument (on July 5) and broke-up.

It's a good thing I didn't send that message to his friends! lol

He called to say he was thinking about me and how I was doing. He also informed me that he is having thyroid surgery on Tuesday and asked me if I would go with him to the hospital. He's very worried about the operation. I said, "Of course!"

[The thyroid is in your neck and it produces hormones. They are removing half of his thyroid because it has some benign growths on it. If there are complications, they might need to remove his entire thyroid. If they do, then he will need to take hormones for the rest of his life. There is also a small possibility that his vocal chords might be damaged during the operation.]

When the days, and then weeks, and months were going by and I wasn't hearing from him, I began to wonder if I'd ever hear from him again. A friend of mine told me, "If he liked you, he'll eventually call you again. If you don't hear from him again, then you'll know he never truly considered you his friend." So I guess I have my answer.

The thing is, at this point, I don't know if I want to get back together with him. (I don't know that he wants to get back together with me, either.) I have already begun healing. I've been dating other guys and keeping busy. So I'm not really sure if I want to get back together with him anymore.

One thing I wanted to mention, though, is that at the early stages of our break-up, while my heart was aching the most, I did a lot of reading online on advice and suggestions on how to get back together with someone who has broken up with you.

I learned -- from many Websites -- of a "strategy" called "No Contact Rule."

At the time of our argument in Vegas, I did not know about the No Contact Rule, but I gave him his space for 3 weeks to allow for a cooling off period. I then went to him and deeply apologized for my losing my temper. I did not bring up what I felt he did wrong -- I just apologized for what I did wrong. I then asked him if he still wanted to see me anymore. He indicated he did, but I could tell that he didn't. Then I left.

Afterwards, I read about the No Contact Rule. It basically says to first apologize to the person for whatever it was that you did wrong, and do not point out what they did wrong. Well, that's exactly what I did!

Then, the rule says, implement No Contact. You should have no contact for at least 30 days, and perhaps 60 days. Fall off the other person's radar. Disappear. If you keep approaching your ex, or calling them, or sending them text messages, it will backfire and all that will do is drive them further away. Besides, even if you managed to convince them to get back together with you, they would see you as needy person, who is clingy and unable to get on with their life. Their impression of you would be less than flattering, and they would not view you in the same light as before. So that relationship would ultimately be doomed.

By not contacting them, they will believe you handled the break-up in a mature manner and went on with your life. That makes you appealing to them.

It is very difficult to go day-after-day without seeing your ex, and you might think that they are not thinking about you anymore, but truthfully they are, and eventually they will contact you.

During this time, it is not uncommon for your ex to have a "rebound relationship". Their break-up with you was so dramatic, they try to push it all away by jumping into a new relationship within 30 days. (And that's exactly what happened with my ex.) Those relationships usually only last 2 or 3 weeks, then they're over. (And I believe that guy my ex was seeing already broke up with him.)

After waiting for at least 30 days, but preferable 60 to 90 days, if they still haven't contacted you, then you can shoot an "across the bow" message. That is, you can send them a text message, e-mail, or even call them to see what their reaction is. (And there is a lot of advice on what to say in that all-important message. If you say the wrong thing, that can blow your chances.)

The best thing, of course, is if your ex contacts you, but if they don't, then you can contact your ex to see if they are receptive to meeting you for drinks or dinner. Obviously if your goal is to get back together with your ex, then at some point one of you has to make contact with the other. But you need to wait at least 30 days.

I personally did not feel that 30 days was enough time. I planned to wait until just before Thanksgiving before making contact with him. That would have been 4 months since we broke up. He changed his phone number so I couldn't call or text him, but I knew where he lived so I was going to send him a letter through the mail and ask him if he'd like to meet me at a nice Mexican restaurant near his home.

So that was my plan.

Another aspect of No Contact is to use the period of time to heal thyself. It's possible that your ex might not want to get back together with you, so you should already be moving on. Dating other people, keeping busy, and trying to not think about your ex.

And that is what I had been doing. I've moved on with my life.

But No Contact worked -- He called me Friday night, just one week shy of 3 months since our argument. He asked me to go with him to the hospital on Tuesday when he has his surgery. I agreed to do so.

While I was excited he called me, and while I still have feelings for him, I'm not sure if I want to get back together with him. We're still not Facebook friends, afterall, while everyone else he knows is! lol. And that still bothers me. lol.

If nothing else, at least we will remain friends now. I really didn't want us to end as enemies where we never spoke to each other ever again.

I'll let you know how things go on Tuesday.

What the heart wants, the heart wants. Nothing we say, as observers from afar, can change anything.

I would just caution that you guard your heart this time. Kudos to you for being there for him. Not many people will do that. I hope his surgery is successful and his recovery swift.

My husband has had his thyroid removed. He's on synthroid for life. Many people are.

No contact isn't a bad idea. It gives you both time to think back over your relationship.

I would take baby steps here. You don't really know that he wants to get back together. Hopefully all goes well!!!!

We had an enjoyable dinner tonight at a restaurant. We both talked a lot and the evening flew by.

Tomorrow is his surgery. He's very worried about it, but my brother -- who is a doctor -- says that thyroid surgery is rather routine.

No, I don't know that he wants to get back together again, and I'm not sure that I want to either. But if nothing else, we can be friends.

I don't know if this is any use to you, but I came across it while searching for resources to use to understand some circumstances in my own life. I hope it helps a little.

How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship
August 15th, 2005 by Steve Pavlina

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Relationships are among of the most complex aspects of our lives, particularly long-term relationships such as marriage. Your relationships can elevate you to new heights or drag you down into the dumps.

But what if you’re somewhere in the middle?

What if your relationship is pretty good, like a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10? Should you stay, openly committing to that relationship for life? Or should you leave and look for something better, something that could become even better?

This is the dreadful state of ambivalence. You simply aren’t sure one way or the other. Maybe what you have is good enough and you’d be a fool to abandon it in search of a new relationship you may never find. Or maybe you’re seriously holding yourself back from finding a truly fulfilling relationship that would serve you well the rest of your life. Tough call.

Fortunately, there’s an excellent book that provides an intelligent process for overcoming relationship ambivalence. It’s called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. I read this book many years ago, and it completely changed how I think about long-term relationships.

First, the book points out the wrong way to make this decision. The wrong way is to use a balance-scale approach, attempting to weigh the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. Of course, that’s what everyone does. Weighing the pros and cons seems logical, but it doesn’t provide you with the right kind of information you need to make this decision. There will be pros and cons in every relationship, so how do you know if yours are fatal or tolerable or even wonderful? The cons tell you to leave, while the pros tell you to stay. Plus you’re required to predict future pros and cons, so how are you going to predict the future of your relationship? Who’s to say if your problems are temporary or permanent?

Kirshenbaum’s solution is to dump the balance-scale approach and use a diagnostic approach instead. Diagnose the true status of your relationship instead of trying to weigh it on a scale. This will provide you the information you need to make an intelligent decision and to know precisely why you’re making it. If you’re ambivalent, it means your relationship is sick. So discovering the precise nature of the disease seems an intelligent place to begin.

In order to perform a relationship diagnosis, the author offers a series of 36 yes/no questions to ask yourself. Each question is explained very thoroughly with several pages of text. In fact, the diagnostic procedure is essentially the whole book.

Each question is like passing your relationship through a filter. If you pass the filter, you proceed to the next question. If you don’t pass the filter, then the recommendation is that you end your relationship. In order to achieve the recommendation that you should stay together, you must pass through all 36 filters. If even one filter snags you, the recommendation is to leave.

This isn’t as brutal as it sounds though because most of these filters will be very easy for you to pass. My guess is that out of the 36 questions, less than a third will require much thought. Hopefully you can pass filters like, “Does your partner beat you?” and “Is your partner leaving the country for good without you?” without much trouble. If not, you don’t need a book to tell you your relationship is going downhill.

The author’s recommendations are based on observing the post-decision experiences of multiple couples who either stayed together or broke up after suffering from a state of ambivalence related to one of the 36 questions. The author then watched how those relationships turned out in the long run. Did the person making the stay-or-leave decision feel s/he made the correct choice years later? If the couple stayed together, did the relationship blossom into something great or decline into resentment? And if they broke up, did they find new happiness or experience everlasting regret over leaving?

I found this concept extremely valuable, like being able to turn the page of time to see what might happen. The recommendations are based on the author’s observations and her professional opinion, so I don’t recommend you take her advice blindly. However, I personally found all of her conclusions utterly sensible and didn’t find any surprises. I doubt you’ll be terribly surprised to read that a relationship with a drug user is virtually doomed to failure. But what about a relationship with someone you don’t respect? What about a long-distance relationship? Or a relationship with a workaholic who makes 10x your income? Would you like to know how such relationships tend to work out if the couple stays together vs. if they break up?

Kirshenbaum explains that where a break-up is recommended, it’s because most people who chose to stay together in that situation were unhappy, while most people who left were happier for it. So long-term happiness is the key criteria used, meaning the happiness of the individual making the stay-or-leave decision, not the (ex-)partner.

If you’re facing a “too good to leave, too bad to stay” dilemma, I highly recommend this book. You’ll breeze through most of the filters, but you’ll probably hit a few that snag you and really make you think. But I recommend this book not just for people who aren’t sure about the status of their relationship but also those with healthy relationships who want to make it even better. This book will help you diagnose the weak points of your relationship that could lead to break-up and allow you to consciously attend to them.

Here are some diagnostic points from the book you may find valuable (these are my summaries, not the author’s exact words):

If God or some divine being told you it was OK to leave your relationship, would you feel relieved that you could finally leave? If your religion is the only reason you’re still together, your relationship is already long dead. Drop the self-torturing beliefs and choose happiness. Living together physically but not in your heart isn’t going to fool any divine being anyway, nor is it likely to fool anyone else around you. Leave the hypocrisy behind, and take off.
Are you able to get your needs met in the relationship without too much difficulty? If it takes too much effort to get your needs met, then your relationship is doing you more harm than good. Leave.
Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to genuinely like you? If you don’t mutually like each other, you don’t belong together.
Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying.
Does your partner exhibit any behavior that makes the relationship too difficult for you to stay in, and do you find your partner is either unwilling or incapable of changing? Results matter far more than intentions. If your partner behaves in a way that’s intolerable to you, then permanent change is a must, or you need to leave. Example: “Quit smoking for good in 30 days, or I’m gone.” Trying to tolerate the intolerable will only erode your self-esteem, and you’ll see yourself as stronger in the past than in the present.
Do you see yourself when you look in your partner’s eyes? A metaphor… if you don’t sense a strong compatibility with your partner, you’re better off with someone else.
Do you and your partner each respect each other as individuals? No mutual respect = time to leave.
Does your partner serve as an important resource for you in a way that you care about? If your partner does little to enhance your life and you wouldn’t lose anything important to you by leaving, then leave. You’ll break even by being on your own and gain tremendously by finding someone else who is a resource to you.
Does your relationship have the demonstrated capacity for forgiveness? If you can’t forgive each other’s transgressions, then resentment will gradually replace love. Leave.
Do you and your partner have fun together? A relationship that’s no fun is dead. Leave.
Do you and your partner have mutual goals and dreams for your future together? If you aren’t planning to spend your future together, something’s terribly wrong. Take off.
These questions drive home the point that a relationship should enhance your life, not drain it. At the very least, you should be happier in the relationship than outside it. Even if a break-up leads to a messy divorce with complex custody arrangements, Kirshenbaum points out that in many situations, that can still lead to long-term happiness whereas staying in a defunct relationship almost surely prevents it.

Some of the diagnostic points might seem overly harsh in terms of recommending leaving in situations you might find salvageable. A relationship, however, requires the effort and commitment of both partners. One person can’t carry it alone. Even though you might come through with a miraculous save (such as by turning around an abusive relationship), such attempts are usually doomed to failure, and even where they succeed, they may take such a tremendous toll that you ultimately feel they weren’t worth the effort. You could be much happier in a new relationship (or living alone) instead of investing so much time trying to save a relationship that’s dragging you down. You’ll do a lot more good giving yourself to someone who’s more receptive to what you have to offer and who genuinely appreciates you for it. If you’re spending your relationship fighting resistance more than sharing love, you’re probably better off letting it go and embracing a relationship that will provide greater mutual rewards for less work.

You may find it revealing to apply these diagnostic questions to a broader set of human relationships, such as your relationships with your boss and co-workers. Perhaps you can skip the sexual attraction one… but mutual respect, fun, shared goals, tolerable behavior, getting your needs met, etc. all apply perfectly well to career-oriented relationships. For example, if your boss avoids you when you try to discuss your future with the company, I’d say that’s a very bad sign for one of you.

Don’t confuse the question of whether or not you should leave your current relationship with how you might find a new relationship. If it’s clear that your current relationship should end, then end it. Once you’re on your own again, then you can (re)develop the skills needed to attract a new partner. It’s unlikely you’ll be in a place to assess your chances of entering a new relationship while you’re still in one. For one, everyone around you will perceive you as unavailable while you’re still in a relationship, so you won’t be able to get a clear sense of where you stand until you’re free of that.

A proper diagnosis may also convince you that your relationship is indeed too good to leave. That situation may last your entire life, or it may change at some point. You can’t control all the variables. But at least you’ll have a method for deciding if you can commit to your relationship in the present moment or if you should be making plans to end it.

In any relationship, choose at the very least to achieve your own happiness.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/0 ... ationship/

Had a long day today. Been up since 5:30 am. Just wanted to report back that the surgery was a success.

Also wanted to mention that when we went to dinner yesterday, he gave me a little angel and explained it's for my kitchen. Okay, I don't believe in angels, but he doesn't know that. It was still a sweet thought.

My friend gave me a little angel for a gift and told me it should be kept in the kitchen.

Beyond the thoughtfulness of giving me a gift, I was wondering if there is a special symbolic meaning associated with giving an angel as a gift, as well as why it should be kept in the kitchen?

Some years back, an old bf I had had given me an angel too. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now two people have given me angels, so that couldn't be just coincidence. There must be a special meaning behind giving someone an angel as a gift.

Almost twenty years ago, I met a woman who I absolutely adored. We dated and we were intimate but for reasons I won't divulge here, we parted ways... well.... sort of....

She is my most trusted friend and confidant. We talk almost daily and visit each other often. Her husband is a great guy and together they are building their dream.

Sometimes the relationship we desire most is not the relationship we need or end up with. Regardless... personal relationships are expressions of human love.


When you are receiving love, hang on to it. And when you are giving love, let go.... just let go.... The relationship you have with your ex now is not the relationship you had or thought you desired. But it is a relationship nonetheless. Hang on to it and nurture it by letting go of yourself.

Thanks, Sid.

We've talked it through, and it looks like we're just going to be just friends -- close friends -- from this point on.

But like you said, it's good to have close friends.

Just wanted to tie up some loose ends and bring this story to an end...

First, he didn't cheat on me. He met his current bf while we were dating, but they didn't start dating until August (which was after we had broken up). His bf agrees with that.

It took almost a year (we met last December) but he added me as his Facebook friend last night.

His explanation for not adding me all this time (whether truthful or not) is that we had a special relationship and he didn't want to "ruin it with all the drama and ugliness of Facebook".

Anyway, he finally added me. He also told me that I'm his best friend. That warmed me because he has a ton of good friends.

So this brings closure to this story.

It does, and it probably ended where it should. Sid gave you such wonderful advice. Remember it.