I have a weakness for really dreadful puns. Here are some I've picked up on the interweb:
Hangover: The wrath of grapes. Income Tax: Capital punishment.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common? They both involve sandy claws.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
California smog test: Can UCLA?
The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"
How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went all the way out to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband and that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did; thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... what? ................. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh .. . . . unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A panda walked into a restaurant. He ordered a meal and ate it. When he was finished, he pulled out a gun, shot up the restaurant, and started to leave. The owner stopped him and asked, "Why did you do that!?!?" The panda replied, "I'm a panda bear. Look it up in the dictionary. Panda bear: eats shoots and leaves."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
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