If someone you're dating (over 6 months) refuses to add you as their Facebook friend, should you break up with them?

That's the dilemma I find myself in.

ME: We're dating, so why won't you add me? If you have nothing to hide, there's no reason you shouldn't add me.

THEM: You should trust me. I'm not doing anything wrong, and the real reason you want to be Facebook friends is because you're jealous and you want to spy on me. You'll start asking me "Why did you do this, and why did you do that?". I won't have any privacy. You need to just trust me. I'm seeing you in person, so who cares about Facebook?!

I have a friend who says that if they won't add me, I should break up with them because they're hiding something. I have mixed feelings. Should I really break up with someone just because they won't add me on Facebook?! On the other hand, we're having a relationship, so isn't it both insulting and a red flag that they won't add me?

One reason I hate Facebook. People assign too much importance to it and "friending". If that is the ONLY reason you have doubts, then don't worry about it. It sounds to me like you have other doubts and Facebook just highlights them. Think about that. Being suspicious is no way to have a relationship. It destroys.

Good advice, roseanne ~

I do see it as a "trust" issue, but that works both ways ~ I've always given "significant others" and friends the benefit of the doubt unless/until there is a reason not to ~ and I expect the same in return ~ I tend to be a somewhat private person and I generally don't share myself easily ~ that sharing comes with trust ~ so, for me, trust is the foundation ~ if we don't/won't/can't respect each other's boundaries, maybe it's not the relationship/friendship we think it is ...

Sooz

It so happens that he has his privacy settings set to "Public" so I can see everything on his page! However, he is unaware that it is set to "Public". I know this from comments he has made now and then. For example, he expressed concern that if I saw his page, I would question him about "Why did you do this and why did you do that?" Since he said, "If I you saw my page..." that tells me he believes I can't see his page. Also, he expressed concern that I would start questioning him on "why did you do this and why did you do that?" But if he knew I was already seeing his page and have not ever questioned him, he wouldn't be concerned that I would start questioning him. (Does that make sense?! lol.) In other words, he believes I can't see his page.

I have not seen any indication that he is cheating on me from his Facebook page. The issue I have is that he has over 700 Facebook friends and adds people left and right, yet won't add me.

WHY? Is it because he doesn't want his friends to know about me? Is it because he just wants his privacy? Even if those are his reasons, are they VALID reasons? A person can have a reason for doing something, but that doesn't necessarily mean their reason is a good one and valid. I might still be right to insist that he needs to add me.

Ok, here's my opinion FWIW. If it is THAT important to you, then tell him it is. IF he cares about you enough, he will add you. If not, then to me it's an indication that the feelings on his side are not the same as yours. People who really care about each other, also care about the other's feelings, needs and opinions. Even friends (as in real life friends) wouldn't be that harsh. He sounds a tad controlling.

A relationship with that sort of tension and doubt won't go anywhere good. JMHO

That's what it ultimately comes down to, Roseanne. I don't care about Facebook or respecting each other's privacies. What is bothering me is that he doesn't seem to care about my feelings. I think THAT'S the red flag behind all this.

SciFi, have you ever thought about WHY this is so important to you? ~ especially since you can see his content and are not concerned with it ~ isn't that as disrespectful of his feelings as you think he is of yours?

Sooz

Did you tell him that? You are six months into this relationship, and by now you should be able to tell him how you feel and why this bothers you.

I am not sure there is such a thing as a VALID reason. There are just reasons. Many times people don't even know the reasons why they do things.

Most of my facebook friends are game-related. I don't even know them.

we're having a relationship, so isn't it both insulting and a red flag that they won't add me?

Yes and yes, IMO.

Sooz, it bothers me simply because he has a reason for not wanting to add me. When I initially sent him the Friend request, I thought nothing of it.

When he rejected the request, I got to wondering why.

It became amplified when I saw him adding everyone else under the sun. Strangers, even people who live in other countries, such as Mexico and the Phillipines. Then it REALLY bothered me. What is his big reason for not wanting to add me? The only thing I can think of is that he doesn't want anyone to know that he knows me. That's a big red flag, I think.

Or it could be precisely as he says: Sometimes he goes out with friends and he is concerned I will be jealous and start questioning him. He just wants his freedom.

sci - Those people from other areas could be game friends he's never met or cared about.

If he wants complete freedom and you don't, then maybe it's time to cut the line. It's definitely time for an honest discussion with him.

the real reason you want to be Facebook friends is because you're jealous and you want to spy on me

A comment like that would be a deal-breaker for me. Accusations of jealousy and spying? Who the hell does he think he is?

He's now blocked me from seeing his page.

It's over with us.

SciFi... I think it's wise of you to end this relationship. My Godson got married 6 months ago after connecting up again with a women he used to date in high school. She has been married 4 times and has two teenage sons now and this is his first.. both are in their late 40's. I talked to him on the phone for over an hour begging him not to marry this woman... things he had told me about her just didn't feel right to me. They got married on New Years Eve.... and today he is miserable but afraid to get divorced as he is afraid she will end up taking him to the cleaners. He has his own courier business. She wouldn't friend him on FB and she found out all the women he had on his and wrote them hateful things and even stalked on local lady. Her sons father is a deadbeat dad so won't help support the boys and now she has decided to work only part time since she's got her claws into my Godson. I'm trying to get him to seek an attorney for advice if nothing else. When they got married she first posted her wedding pictures but you won't find a one of them on there now. All she talks about are the parties she goes to and how free she feels.

Sorry about that, SciFi. What a dickish move.

This whole thing just reeks of power play/control issues on his part, IMO. He seems to want everything on his terms and that can't work.

Thanks, Dee and Chaos.

I saw the handwriting on the wall that it was nearly over for us. It's such a stupid thing to break up over, but in the long run it was probably a red flag for other problems that would have eventually come up down the road.

I've been doing a LOT of thinking about all this, and I've come to the realization as to why I believe he won't add me as his Facebook friend -- but will add everybody else.

I think the reason is because he wants all his close Facebook friends to believe he's single -- so as to keep his options open. See, if they think he's single, then they might hook him up with someone, or invite him to parties or to clubs. But if I'm right there, letting everyone know he's taken, then those invites dry up.

Chaos is right about the control. First he wouldn't add you because you might stalk him, then he blocks you so he can point to it and say it is your fault. Big red flags waving in the wind.

Thanks for your feedback, everyone.

I just have two questions about the "control" part of it. I don't disagree with what you are saying, I'm just a tad bewildered.

1) Ordinarily when we're together, we otherwise seem to get along great. He's admitted to me, for instance, he feels so comfortable around me he's able to talk to me and share things with me that he can't talk about with anyone else. And he *has* shared some very personal details about things that went on when he was growing up. (Not sexual abuse, but verbal abuse, and unloving parents, etc.) When we're together, he seems more or less low-key and doesn't seem very controlling. He usually leaves it to me, for instance, to decide where we're going for the day (though he tends to prefer a quiet dinner at my place, and he makes the dinner for us).

2) If he's controlling to the point that I break up with him (as I'd hinted I'd do if he won't add me to Facebook), and I then leave him, then he won't have any control over me at all. I'd be gone. I can understand someone wanting to be controlling, but I would think they wouldn't be controlling to the point that they push me away forever.

There are people (I think my son included) who get to a point where they know the other party wants the relationship to go beyond the casual phase. The person isn't ready and instead of coming out and saying that they do stupid things to subterfuge the relationship.

Sounds like elements of this in your scenario.

Hmm, you know, the more and more I think about it, if he's not adding me because he believes I'd be stalking him, I wonder if I'm being too unreasonable to be insistent that he *must* add me or else? Seeing it from his point of view, if he believes I'm only wanting to be FB friends so I can spy on him, then I can actually understand his not wanting to add me. And the harder I insist that MUST add me, the more he'd be convinced that that is my reason. Otherwise, he'd figure, why should I care so much?

Which really leads me back to my original question: Should I break up with someone just because they won't add me as their Facebook friend? Is it really a red flag, or is it just that he wants his privacy and nothing more?

He knows I'm angry right now, so I predict I won't hear from him for two weeks. But eventually he's going to send me a text message. His usual text messages are simple and benign. They're usually "Good morning. :)". So that's what he'll send. He'll be testing me, too, to see what kind of reaction he gets.

So, the ball will be in my court. I have two options:

I can be all huffy and angry and tell him it's over with us.
~ or ~
I can just forget about Facebook and continue seeing him.

As much as I believe that he's wrong to not add me, I have to ask myself why it bothers me so much that he won't add me? Maybe I should just forget about it, act like an adult, ignore it, and just enjoy our times together? I think if he sees it's not bothering me that he didn't add me, at some point in the future he'll probably add me.

See my posts #3 and #7 above ~ SciFi, you need to decide your own expectations from this relationship ~ and you need to talk honestly with him about his expectations ~ is it all fun and games or is it something more significant? ~ and if it's only one or the other, do you both agree on which one it is? ~ I'd also consider sharing with him what you just shared with us ~

Sooz

"Should I break up with someone just because they won't add me as their Facebook friend? "

Take Facebook out of the equation.