Snort. This is funny! The comments are good too, available at the link. I follow this man on Twitter who's account I found via John Archibald.

Rival scooter gangs clash in Jasper Walmart



Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.

Jasper police are once again warning residents about local scooter gangs roaming the aisles of Walmart and blocking every access point to the only item you came into the store for.

Jasper Police Chief J.C. Poe told reporters his officers are making daily patrols from the bakery to the beer sections in an effort to keep shoppers safe.

"Too many innocent bystanders have lost toes to drive-bys," explained Poe. "I won't stand for it. And neither will they, literally and metaphorically."

Incidents like the one described by Poe have increased rapidly after a second scooter gang formed in the Jasper Walmart's frozen food section earlier this year. Tensions between the two gangs finally reached a boiling point last week when Willy, the leader of the "Little Debbie Disciples," issued a hit on a rival leader via his personal Facebook page.

"No one takes the last bag of powdered donuts without going through me," wrote Willy. "I'm taking 2 boxes of Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes out of my hiding spot and giving them to whoever brings me the metal basket of Big Dave's scooter."
The post was immediately shared by every member of the Little Debbie Disciples and has 12 likes, 2 angry emoji faces, and 1 presumably accidental laughing-out-loud emoji face.

Despite the impressive bounty placed on his precious basket, Big Dave and his "Blue Bell Boyz" are refusing to retreat.

"Willy don't own this store," stated Big Dave. "I heard the only reason Willy won't leave the Little Debbie aisle is 'cuz his scooter battery is dead. He can act tough all he wants, but the truth is he's stranded."

According to Whitney Sims, a sociology professor at nearby Bevill State Community College, scooter gangs are not unique to Jasper's Walmart, but it is uncommon to see multiple gangs fight for territory within the same store.

"These scooter-people rarely have to worry about each other," explained Sims. "The largest threats to their existence tend to be flat tires, fire evacuations, and diabetes. But that's simply not the case here in Jasper. A turf war is underway and as long as these two groups refuse to make amends, these streets, or rather aisles, ain't safe."

Until the two gangs agree to a ceasefire, customers like Courtney Sides are stuck in the crosshairs.

"I just need to buy bread. That's it," said a visibly frustrated Sides. "I should've stopped at Dollar General instead. They've probably built 5 more in Walker County since I parked my car."

As of press time, Willy was sleeping peacefully by the Oatmeal Cream Pies and every scooter in Jasper Walmart was in use, leaving none for the customers who are actually disabled.

http://www.al.com/opinion/index.ssf/201 ... river_home

I confess: the mind picture this "commentary" created [even if only 50% true] had me giggling while reading ~

Sooz

lol sooz. I don't think any of this is true, but a sheer exaggeration of the number(s) of people who use the scooters. The 50% would include all of his other writings.

Also, he isn't exaggerating about the Dollar General stores. They spring up almost overnight. Their prices on bread and milk rival Walmart, with easier parking, no crowds and conveniently placed along busy rush-hour routes. Like a 7-11, but with more everyday items at much better prices. They carry some fresh produce and frozen items too. After being around for decades, their success in the last few years has been phenomenal.

Walmart greeters pursue scooter outlaws at speeds in excess of 4 mph (6.437376 kph)

The gang leader's real name is Jerry Attrix.