Ostrich: Study funded by Hoover gun shop reveals you are not ready


Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.

A new study published in The Alabama Journal of Guns and Fireworks revealed that most Alabamians are, in fact, not ready. The study, funded entirely by a Hoover gun shop with a very catchy/seductive jingle, calls for residents to bear arms using both of their arms and to store ammunition in every orifice of the body.

Professor Patrick "Scooter" Jenkins from the University of Alabama at Carbon Hill surveyed over four people at a nearby bingo hall and discovered that a disturbing amount of citizens were not capable of defending their freedom from enemies both at home and abroad.

"My methodology was simple, on the first day I entered the bingo hall and asked patrons to show me their gun. Shockingly, no one offered to let me see their weapon," explained Jenkins. "One man did roll up his sleeves to show me his sick pythons. That was not an expression. The man literally had two extremely ill reptiles wrapped around both of his forearms."

The very next day, Jenkins entered the same bingo hall. This time, he discharged his weapon in the center of the building and at least one other patron returned fire. Jenkins then concluded that the majority of citizens, himself included, were not actually ready.

While some have criticized the veracity of Professor Jenkins' findings due to his corporate sponsors and complete disregard for the scientific method, many other Alabamians are thrilled to see a study that confirms what they've known all along: The only way to stop gun violence is by adding more guns.

"Sure, some people will say we're only promoting fear by urging folks to buy our guns so they can protect themselves from some ambiguous threat. And yes, others will question the credentials of Dr. Scooter Jenkins," stated Samuel Kilgore, owner of the Hoover gun shop. "But we just want to help you to answer one simple question: Are you reeeaaaadaay?"

Doctor Jenkins' study concluded that citizens can only achieve optimal readiness by visiting that particular Hoover gun shop. From there, a somewhat-certified sales associate will outfit you with the latest weaponry, give you enough ammunition to take down the Korean People's Army and recommend the turkey sandwich at their in-shop café.

"This idea that you need a gun to survive in America couldn't be further from the truth," admitted Kilgore. "You'll need at least seven guns."

For more information on this study, Professor Scooter Jenkins can be found recovering on the 2nd floor of Walker Baptist Medical Center.

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich]

http://www.al.com/opinion/index.ssf/201 ... _highlight