Bruce Lindner
2 hrs ·

So, as you may have heard... Mother Nature is gonna throw a party on August 21st. A total eclipse of the Sun. If you're fortunate enough to have seen one, skip to the video. If not, heed my words: Move heaven and Earth to be in the path of totality in 20 days. You do NOT want to miss this.

The last time the lower 48 was treated to this spectacle (some thirty-eight years ago), I took the day off work, crammed myself, my two buddies and "Carl," my telescope into my Scirocco and headed East. We finally escaped the February weather patterns of Western Oregon and found ourselves on a plateau in Eastern Washington, with literally minutes to get Carl and the cameras ready for the main event. But when it happened, I was unprepared for the majesty of the spectacle.

To those of you who think "Well, I'm staying put. It'll be 90% of totality here, which is close enough for me." That may be true, but 90% of totality is like 90% of an orgasm. Why even bother!? It's NOT THE SAME!

Once the Sun is completely obscured, only then do the surreal things begin to happen.

Just before totality, you might notice a shimmering effect on the ground. Little "waves" caused by leaves and branches that form natural pinhole cameras, casting thin crescent shapes on the ground. I was completely unprepared for that.

At the moment of totality, should you happen to be looking towards the West, you might catch a glimpse of a gigantic blanket of pure blackness racing toward you, swallowing up mountains, cities and everything as far as you can see. That's the shadow of the Moon, about to rock your world—which for a brief moment, can be a terrifying sight.

And when I say racing, it's hauling ass at anywhere from 1,500 mph to 2,500 mph, depending on your location (fastest in the Western states, slowing down as it moves East). Once that darkness swallows you up, congratulations; you're now in the umbra. Look up at the Sun and try to take it all in. You probably won't get another chance in your lifetime.

Once you're in the umbra, the "cone" of the Moon's shadow, weird things happen. The stars appear in the sky. But not the stars you're accustomed to seeing in August. You'll be seeing the constellations of late Winter. You'll suddenly notice the blinking lights of dozens of helicopters and private planes. Dogs begin to howl. Birds disappear. Flowers close up. People begin whooping and hollering. Republicans start making sense. It's otherworldly!

So if at all possible, brave the traffic jams. Join the crowds. Grab the kids and the grandkids. Do *NOT* settle for less than totality. I guarangoddamntee you, if you take my advice and inconvenience yourself this one time, you'll be happy you did for the rest of your life. For those of you lucky enough to live directly in the path of totality, just stay put. And maybe put a sign in your front yard; "Parking: $500.00 per hour."

It. Will. Be. AWESOME.

(Note to my customers: I'll be off on Monday 8/21 and Tuesday 8/22. Care to guess where I'll be?)

#Eclipse2017

Republicans start making sense. It's otherworldly!

Bruce Lindner
3 hrs ·

This is a better representation of what I was yammering on about yesterday morning. FAR better actually, because not only are the graphics superior, but there's a little data bar at the top that shows you the speed of the Moon's shadow when it's over your location, the exact time, the duration, etc.

Again, if you're not inside that circle, you won't get the full effect. Being a few hundred feet outside of it either way, won't cut the mustard. If you've ever been to a planetarium show (or an old theater before they had light-trap doors) and some nitwit opens the door and floods the room with light, that's sorta what I'm talking about.

It's really all or nothing. A partial eclipse isn't exactly nothing, but a total eclipse is the Big Enchilada. It's Tournedos Rossini with a '47 Château Margaux. It's a '37 Packard cabriolet on an April morning. It's a front-row seat to Beethoven's 9th symphony at the Berlin Philharmonic It's the impeachment, trial and conviction of Donald Trump and his entire family. (Okay, everyone but Barron).

American eclipse? The US now own the moon and sun?

American eclipse? The US now own the moon and sun?