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 Post subject: Friday giggle
PostPosted: 01/19/18 10:41 pm • # 1 
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Last week Alabama had a tiny bit of snow that melted and caused icy roads. Here is a great satire piece about that and the school closings.

Ostrich: Moms clear icy roadways in effort to send kids back to school

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. This is a work of satire.

Armed with hair dryers and a lot of extension cords, Alabama's mothers took to the streets this week in a last-ditch effort to melt the icy roadways and hopefully send their annoying children back to school.

Children across the state were forced to spend way too much time trapped in their homes this week after Alabama was crippled by a half-inch of snow. Kaitlyn Rouse, a Clanton mother of four, led the charge of determined women who were desperately trying to get their children back into school.

"A group of mothers and myself cleared 47 miles of roadway Wednesday with blow dryers and torches, and the Superintendent still canceled school," said Rouse. "I swear, someone's gonna get hurt if I don't see that school bus pull up here Friday morning. I'm all out of patience and wine."

While stay-at-home moms were valiantly trying to clear the roadways, many working parents like Jason Thompson were forced to celebrate an unscheduled "take your daughter, her iPad, some crayons, and that weird toy monkey she got for Christmas that just sits on your finger to work day."

"School may be closed, but I learned a lot today. For starters, our company's Wi-Fi is apparently incapable of handling our computer's data-entry software and eight straight hours of YouTube videos. Also, no human should ever be subjected to more than 30 seconds of whatever JoJo Siwa is," stated Thompson. "On the bright side, my daughter did figure out how to setup wireless printing in our office, so she's already more helpful than our IT guy."

Not everyone was inconvenienced by the massive amount of school closings. Teachers across the state saw their 3-day weekend magically extended thanks to Mother Nature. Despite the lost time, most educators maintained an extremely positive outlook about the situation.

"Oh, you're upset because you spent a day with your hyper and disobedient children? Welcome to my hell," remarked Tonya Franks, a second-grade teacher from Calhoun County. "I hope the roads never unfreeze. I have all the supplies I need here and more than enough food. I haven't eaten more than one meal a day since July."

At press time, the majority of Alabama's children were now spending the day with their Granny and Pop-pop, who were quick to report that they had to walk to school in the snow when they were that age. They also insisted the daily trek was done barefoot and, despite it being geographically impossible, "uphill both ways."

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich.]

http://www.al.com/opinion/index.ssf/201 ... adway.html


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 Post subject: Re: Friday giggle
PostPosted: 01/20/18 10:45 am • # 2 
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I've noticed that at the beginning and the end they marked it as satire. Is there a reason for that in Alabama? :D


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 Post subject: Re: Friday giggle
PostPosted: 01/20/18 12:27 pm • # 3 
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jabra2 wrote:
I've noticed that at the beginning and the end they marked it as satire. Is there a reason for that in Alabama? :D


It's the law all across the southern states.


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 Post subject: Re: Friday giggle
PostPosted: 01/22/18 8:33 am • # 4 
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LOL jab! You know why.....

To reinforce the southern stereotype.

Image


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 Post subject: Re: Friday giggle
PostPosted: 01/22/18 9:45 am • # 5 
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After seeing Virginians drive... try to drive... in the snow, the roads should be closed. Period.


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 Post subject: Re: Friday giggle
PostPosted: 01/23/18 11:54 am • # 6 
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oskar576 wrote:
After seeing Virginians drive... try to drive... in the snow, the roads should be closed. Period.


Yeah it's so bad down here that they close everything before even a flake falls, just on the report of possible snow. But I will say over the past 20 years snow prep and removal has improved exponentially. In 2000 we were snowed in for 4 days over 6 inches and our neighbors laughed at us for shoveling.


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 Post subject: Re: Friday giggle
PostPosted: 01/23/18 12:00 pm • # 7 
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queenoftheuniverse wrote:
oskar576 wrote:
After seeing Virginians drive... try to drive... in the snow, the roads should be closed. Period.


Yeah it's so bad down here that they close everything before even a flake falls, just on the report of possible snow. But I will say over the past 20 years snow prep and removal has improved exponentially. In 2000 we were snowed in for 4 days over 6 inches and our neighbors laughed at us for shoveling.


Far too many try to drive in snow with summer tires.


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 Post subject: Re: Friday giggle
PostPosted: 01/23/18 1:55 pm • # 8 
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WTF, why are these Moms upset? They could have got Roy Moore to babysit. He's not doing anything these days and would have got all excited to help. ("Come sit on my lap, sweetie, and play with my teeny tiny gun.)


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