Funny that I found this today as I'm slated for my mammogram next week. 

The mammogram


While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."
I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you ... And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed

Chaos:

Quote:

You should print that out and take it with you

Great idea, Chaos.  As it happens, I am scheduled for a mammogram next week, also, plus a bone scan.  I WILL print it out and take it with me, along with a tire iron, just in case. 

rofl.
 JD

The tire iron will show up in the x-ray.

Thank you God and Mom and Dad for making me a man.

Remember that when you visit the proctologist. [img]/domainskins/bypass/img/smileys/wink.gif[/img]

Damn Canadian snobs can actually afford to visit one!

Oooh, I'm having my bone scan too. Managed to charm the lab into scheduling them the same day as my dr's appointment, even though I don't have the orders yet and didn't have my health card number with me at work, LOL! Besides, I am already in the "system", know they are coming and wanted to get it all done the same day.

I may print it out, but don't wanna give them any silly ideas.

Actually, I have a funny story that happened to me... in fact it happened when I was brought to the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit by ambulance after my second heart attack.

While I was laid out on the bed and they had all the electrodes hooked up, one of the ambulance attendants came over to ask me how I was holding up... then he went... "Shhhhh...." and he started jiggling one of the electrodes on my chest. All of a sudden I'm hearing "Code Blue CICU -Code Blue CICU" and a whole hoard of doctors and nurses came piling in with all their equipment... they took one look at the ambulance guy and they knew right away that he'd been playing around. I tried to laugh... it hurt... but it was funny.

Remember that when you visit the proctologist.

I did have to visit a proctologist one time.  She was about thirty, blonde and should have been starring in one of those medical tv shows.  Awwwwwkwaaaard!!!!!

No thanks... I get gassy when I'm nervous.

Another funny gyn story. It's an urban legend and according to Snopes, it has been around for a while and even had a "Green Stamp" version.

A woman had an appointment with her gynecologist and wanted to be extra fresh for her exam. After showering she grabbed her daughter's can of feminine deodorant and gave her crotch a good spray. All set.

When she gets to the doctor's office and has her feet up in the stirrups, the doctor comes in, pulls back the sheet for the exam and says “Hmmm.. Fancyâ€

Good thing it wasn't green hair dye.

Ah, what the hell........I'm going to purposely use the glitter spray next time. Give my doctor a laugh. He's great and I really like him. Yesterday, as I was teasing the receptionist about me being her first "pap assist" (she's new), I said "oh, it will be fun!"  She said, "Well, you're the one getting the pap smear"  The doctor said: "Lay flat on the table, keep your knees bent and arms inside the ride at all times!"